EP19: Why Women Test Men: Psychology, Attraction & Relationship Dynamics Explained | Shahrez Hayder
Hey everyone, Umer here!
Real masculinity isn’t loud. It doesn’t need to dominate. It doesn’t need to prove itself. It doesn’t need to react to everything around it. In this conversation, Shahrez Hayder breaks masculinity down to one word:
“Unshakable.”
For him, masculinity is not about control. It is about faith, purpose, emotional discipline, and becoming the kind of man who can lead with strength without losing gentleness.
Here’s what I learned.
Being Unshakable
Shahrez described a man as “an anchor” who is grounded, purposeful, and connected to Allah.
“The man who fears Allah doesn’t fear the world.”
That line stayed with me because it reframes masculinity completely. It is not about ego. It is not about image. It is about becoming stable enough that life, pressure, emotions, and people do not move you away from your values.
Purpose Over Ego
A major part of the conversation was about how men often confuse masculinity with dominance.
But Shahrez made a clear distinction. A man should be aggressive in his purpose, not aggressive with the people he is meant to protect.
That is where a lot of men lose their way. They chase respect through control, when real respect comes from discipline, patience, and responsibility.
Women Want Safety Over Perfection
A recurring theme was how women are wired to seek safety, not perfection.
Shahrez explained that many behaviors men misunderstand are actually tests. Not to break the man, but to understand if he is stable enough to rely on.
If a man reacts emotionally, becomes insecure, or loses control, it signals instability. But when he stays grounded, calm, and composed, it builds trust.
Not through words. Through consistency.
Presence Over Constant Availability
One of the more practical insights was about how connection is built.
Men often think more time together creates more connection. But Shahrez flipped that idea.
For women, connection deepens in the space between presence. When a man is fully present, attentive, and intentional, and then returns to his purpose, it gives space for emotions to process and attraction to grow.
Marriage Is a Test
One of the strongest ideas from the episode was that marriage is not the end of the test. It is the beginning of one.
As Shahrez put it:
“When you get married, you don’t complete half your deen. Half your test just started.”
That perspective changes the way we look at relationships. Marriage is not just love, comfort, or companionship. It is a responsibility to grow, lead, protect, and become better together.
Masculinity Is Rooted in Faith
Everything in the conversation kept coming back to one foundation: the relationship with Allah.
A man becomes unshakable not through experience alone, but through submission to something higher than himself. That is what gives him discipline. That is what gives him direction. That is what allows him to lead without losing himself.
Confidence Is Quiet
When asked about confidence and ego, Shahrez gave a simple answer:
“Confidence doesn’t make noise. Ego makes a lot of noise.”
That might be one of the clearest takeaways from the entire conversation.
A confident man does not need to perform. He does not need to be loud, flashy, or reactive. He is calm because he knows who he is, what he stands for, and who he answers to.
What Men Must Unlearn
Shahrez also spoke about what men need to unlearn. They need to unlearn control. They need to unlearn insecurity. They need to unlearn the idea that being respected means being feared. Real masculinity, in his view, is becoming a Qawam: a protector, provider, maintainer, and spiritual leader. Not through force. Through faith.
If this resonated with you, the full episode dives deeper into immigration, leadership, resilience, and building a life grounded in values.
Watch the full conversation on The Path We Choose.
Watch Full Episode
Thanks for tuning in. I hope this episode encourages you to live authentically and embrace your own path with resilience.
Best,
Umer Farooque
Host, The Path We Choose
